- If we are not open with our spouses, we will end up living separate lives--being "married singles."
- Once we start keeping secrets, its much easier to add other secrets. Just as one lie leads to another, one secret tends to lead to another.
- Secrets don't have to be bad to be a barrier to intimacy (Thanks Jaime!). Even when we keep goals, desires, beliefs from our spouse, we are not allowing them to get to know us.
- There are some times and situations where information may need to be shared on a "need to know" basis, but we need to be careful in these situations that we don't accumulate too many secrets.
- One of the biggest factors in determining whether our spouse will share their "secrets" with us is how they PERCEIVE we will RESPOND. We need to avoid the extreme over reaction and we also need to honor what is shared with attention. Thinking our spouse is going to get "upset" or thinking our spouse "doesn't care" both can lead to the same result--we keep our thoughts to ourselves.
- A big factor in determining how receptive/reactive our spouse will be is how, when, and where we share our thoughts and secrets. While there will never be a perfect time to share info that may be upsetting, there are some actions that can likely facilitate a better reaction/resolution.
- Lack of desire for intimacy
- Embarrassment/shame/our difficulty admitting error
- Kids
- Gender differences
I did have one other related thought. We all recognize that there can be a potential risk/danger in sharing a "BIG" secret. Verbally re-committing to our spouses and our lives together on a regular basis can create the environment for sharing our inner most thoughts.
This week we'll be discussing specific strategies for overcoming the barriers to intimacy. Sorry I'm so late getting this posted. Blessings!
5 comments:
This morning in class the subject about keeping your spouses confidence came up. As I listened to several different variations on whether it is or is not appropriate to break the others confidence and under which circumstance I was beginning to get very aggrevated. O.K. here is what I think, imagine that me giving my opinion, about this subject. First of all, keeping your spouses confidence is extremely important when it pertains to information about other people in your lives; Friends, family, etc. That should be given if you have any respect for the other person you live with. Which is essential to the surival of your marriage. Here is the thing plain and simple. I have seen what happens when you don't tell people what it going on in your lives. From all different personalities. Whether they are private or open. When you choose to keep things in your life so private that it becomes a secret, that opens all kinds of doors that should have never been open. Men and women alike who refuse to let other people in as a support network to their lives is flat refusal to work as a body, as Christ tells us to. I keep hearing things like, " I just can't believe that persons marriage is so bad, I didn't know" or " What can I do, I just don't know how to help" or " Why didn't anybody know about this, aren't they active in the church?" I am sick to death of secrets. I am sick of the excuse of "what happens in the family stays in the family". If people can't tell, our families are being destroyed at a rate we can not keep up with. Maybe it's time to start living like a "body" and get in peoples business before people start to loose their souls. To me it seems the old way of doing things is not going to work anymore. The world has seeped into everypart of our church and has poisoned it long enough. Somebody needs to stand up for the people who are lost, especially our closest friends and family in our own church.
Debbie Ray
Debbie,
I believe that the point of this discussion was more in relation to a married couples day to day relationship and the trust that would be developed as a result of some privacy between the two. Information about disagreements, dislikes of them, critizism of their judements and decisions in the family or even daily accounts of what happened in their day may need to be kept between the two. Most men don't like their every move and thought out for public opinion and viewing. If we want our spouse to open up to us then we need to learn to close up some to our friends.
I think we are talking about a basic respect for the other person and their feelings. I can tell you that in any relationship if I preceive that I'm not respected, that I'm being discussed with others or things said in confidence have not been kept that I will limit the intimacy with that individual. In other words if our spouse knows that every private detail in his/her home is going to be discussed with others they will greatly limit what they share.
Of course that is not saying that when you sense a real problem, maybe there are prolonged arguements, abuse, erratic changes in behavior etc. Maybe they are living a different life at church than they do elsewhere. For whatever reason you sense that you need some help and advice then it is appropriate to seek out help from a trusted confidential person. Not for the purpose of blasting your spouse but for a real desire to get help.
We have to be very careful stating absolutes on sharing within a marriage. As a husband I should be less concerned with the details of Jaime’s business, and more concerned that I help facilitate an environment of trust and support. It is not my job to get her to tell me everything. It is, however, my responsibility to make sure she sees me with a willingness to listen not trying to fix her.
I think we also need to realize that our spouse may communicate in other ways. They may use more or less words than we do, but the amount of words does not equate to the amount of sharing that may be occurring. There are many times where Jaime communicates more with few or no words than I do with my many words.
If our definition of marriage is two independent people choosing to live interdependently, then my wife does not need me to function. We should not go to our spouse for acceptance or identity; these are only available from God.
Marriage should be viewed more as a spiritual discipline than a place of pleasure for me. In marriage we get a first-hand view of what God does for us (unconditional love, forgiveness, patience).
I know that in out recent history at Kaufman we have suffered hurt. I also know that it looks like the hurt was from a lack of sharing. However, the hurt in these cases actually stemmed from a place of severe selfishness. I know that selfishness manifested itself in deceit and filth, but the problem was/is selfishness.
Please do not hear that I am advocating hiding things from our spouses. I am just saying that there is a chance that “I” could become so big to “ME” that I do not even see my spouse. So if the case is that my EGO (Edging God Out) is so big that is eclipses the gift of my spouse, then maybe I am unable to see a loving person to share and grow with.
Trust me I know that it is tough to witness some of these events. However, I know I tend to focus on the “ME” and how this affects my relationship with the individual or the couple. We are called to be the hands and feet not the gavel of God. I do hope that in all of this, guards will be let down and relationships cultivated (with spouses and friends). We will then see what our true growth potential is.
Thanks to all for participating. I believe this is an issue which benefits from discussion, because we get to see others' points of view. While I share frustration with the statement "what happens in my family stays in my family." I still see this as a matter of balance. I don't think we cover up, but at the same time I'm sure not everything needs to be shared either. Some suggestions might include contacting a elder/shepherd, minister, or Christian family counselor before something gets out of hand. The difficulty comes in knowing when something is getting "out of hand." While our peers may have a great deal in common with us and be of great support to us. Others with better experience or training may be able to give us better guidance.
I think the key to creating a more open climate is making people feel safe in sharing--they must see us as forgiving, loving people in order to confess. I don't think begging or beating will get our spouses or Christian brothers or sisters to be more open with us.
Just as marriage works best when two independent (spiritually mature) individuals choose to live interdependently, churches will work better when (spiritualy mature) families and members choose to live interdependently. Our capacity to help and assist others is limited by our ability to deal with our own problems. I have always been fascinated by the first few verses of Galations 6....
"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load."
Its interesting that in verse 2 we are told to carry each other's burdens, but in verse 5 Paul says each one should carry his own load. Any ideas as to how to mesh these two verses?
I've wanted to weigh in on this discussion but have remained silent while trying to process the discussion. Tommy's last question makes me think (and is something my dad has always said) that we are ultimately responsible for ourselves and our relationship with God. Yes, we are to help carry each other's burdens and be there for them, but we need to realize that we can not fix them or "make" them change. We can only truly change ourselves and test ourselves to what God has called us to be. We must also guard ourselves from making someone else's burden become our own burden. No one can truly carry someone else's cross.....if we do they lose the blessing of healing God has for them.
Post a Comment