Can You Keep a Secret?

Unfortunately, most of us can. We spent a good bit of time last week discussing the negative affects that secrets have on the level of intimacy we have in a relationship. Main points included.....

• If we are not open with our spouses, we will end up living separate lives--being "married singles."
• Once we start keeping secrets, its much easier to add other secrets. Just as one lie leads to another, one secret tends to lead to another.
• Secrets don't have to be bad to be a barrier to intimacy (Thanks Jaime!). Even when we keep goals, desires, beliefs from our spouse, we are not allowing them to get to know us.
• There are some times and situations where information may need to be shared on a "need to know" basis, but we need to be careful in these situations that we don't accumulate too many secrets.
• One of the biggest factors in determining whether our spouse will share their "secrets" with us is how they PERCEIVE we will RESPOND. We need to avoid the extreme over reaction and we also need to honor what is shared with attention. Thinking our spouse is going to get "upset" or thinking our spouse "doesn't care" both can lead to the same result--we keep our thoughts to ourselves.
• A big factor in determining how receptive/reactive our spouse will be is how, when, and where we share our thoughts and secrets. While there will never be a perfect time to share info that may be upsetting, there are some actions that can likely facilitate a better reaction/resolution.

We also added a few more barriers to intimacy that we had been working on the past few weeks. These additions included:

• Lack of desire for intimacy
• Embarrassment/shame/our difficulty admitting error
• Kids
• Gender differences

I did have one other related thought. We all recognize that there can be a potential risk/danger in sharing a "BIG" secret. Verbally re-committing to our spouses and our lives together on a regular basis can create the environment for sharing our inner most thoughts.

This week we'll be discussing specific strategies for overcoming the barriers to intimacy. Sorry I'm so late getting this posted. Blessings!

What Do You Do With the Egg Yolks?

We'll get to the egg yolks in a bit, bear with me for a little context. While we were brainstorming barriers to intimacy Sunday in class, Debbie made a comment near the end of class that one of the barriers was the "fear of rocking the boat." I acknowledged agreement and indicated that most of us really try to avoid conflict. Then it got a little personal--for me anyway. In preparing for class each week I usually have a "story" or two based on my own personal experience in marriage, and as one might expect I usually make a decision as I go as to whether to share it or not . Such was the case Sunday when I decided to share not so much a story, but a list of potential boat rocking--but typically minor situations Kerrie and I had the opportunity to deal with the previous day.

I had been finalizing plans for the lesson Saturday morning and anticipated that this topic would come up, so I thought I would tally just how many potential "boat rocking" situations might arise in a randomly selected period of time. I/we encountered 4 in a span of less than 30 minutes. Just for the record, we didn't have any arguments/fights, and neither of us passed up the chance to rock the boat, but the potential was there. What I hoped to do for class was gather some quick data to show that we have many opportunities throughout the day to have conflict simply because there can be hundreds of decisions that can involve married couples during the course of the day. Sure enough, my data collection confirmed by pre-determined conclusion.

Now, I did not tell Kerrie about my data collection, nor did I tell her the results (didn't want to rock the boat?) because I wasn't sure I would share this with the group. If I didn't, what would it matter anyway? Especially since one of the items is an issue for which we have conflicting opinions. This is where the egg yolks come in.

In being health-conscious, when Kerrie makes eggs for herself, she removes the egg yolks (cholesterol) and only cooks the egg whites. Being the wonderful husband that I am, I occasionally make eggs for her and such was the case Saturday. Whenever I'm making her eggs, I try to make them just as she likes them, with something to spice them up (bell pepper or chili), a little cheese, no-salt, no-yolks, and cooked thoroughly. As you may gather this is not my preference for eggs, but that is beside the point. My desire is I make eggs is to please her! However, during the process of making the wife-pleasing eggs, something must be done with the egg yolks, and this is where we differ and this is where I lose the desire to please her. Kerrie routinely places the egg yolks in the kitchen trash; I on the other hand (correctly) pour the egg yolks out of the shell right down the sink drain. Now keep in mind, we've never "fought" about this issue. I think I've mentioned my thoughts to Kerrie once over the years. She's continued to put them in the trash can, and on those mornings when I make eggs for her she has never complained that I put the yolks down the drain. Obviously, we've come to no resolution--we have silently continued with our own ways of disposing of egg yolks.

Now since I did not tell Kerrie about what I might share with the group, I felt compelled to tell her about it when we had a chance to talk. Wanting to minimize any "boat rocking" I wanted to let her know what I had shared so that if someone just casually mentioned, "Tommy told us about the egg yolks," she wouldn't think, "What are you talking about?" or even worse respond, "What egg yolks?" What was so neat about our conversation was I for the first time heard the reason behind Kerrie's actions--dried egg yolks in the sink are very hard to clean! If you've ever been egged only to find out about it hours or days later, you know what I mean. If you are ever out of glue, you can probably substitute egg yolk. Now of course, I have my reasons for my methods also 1) Sometimes the trash bag leaks and one gets to clean up the trail of egg yolk from the pantry out the garage. 2) Sometimes one has to look through the trash for a bill or paper or remote that is missing and may have inadvertently been thrown away and egg yolks tend to make the trash even messier. 3) Sometimes when the trash bag tears the yolk does not land on the floor, but on one's pants as they are putting the trash out before they leave for work on Monday morning. All of these are possibilities that occur only on rare occasions, but the memories of such events are significant.

And now for one of my favorite questions, "So what?" In all of this, I was reminded that I'm blessed to have a spouse that loves me in spite of the fact that I've probably allowed egg yolks to dry in the sink a few too many times. I was also reminded that sometimes only when we risk rocking the boat, will we communicate enough to understand the one we love, and finally we need to "rock the boat" in the same spirit we would "rock a cradle." If we'll do that, the outcome is much more likely to be a bit smoother.

Praying you have an intimate week!

Tommy

Marriage 101 -- Lesson 3--The Couple that Prays Together Stays Together

This week we spent most of our time talking about how we as couples can pray together. I'm convinced that Satan does not want us developing this habit/avenue to intimacy. While it is a practice that sounds simple, my experience is that it does not come easy. Here's some things that were mentioned as being items we could pray for:

• That God would change me (the individual praying) and help me be more understanding.
• That God would help me met my spouse's needs--and that others would also meet those needs
• Prayers of Thanksgiving
• God's peace, grace, presence
• Wisdom, strength, courage
• Physical Needs
• Protection from Satan
• Spiritual Needs
• Love and Devotion

These are just some ideas to get you started. If this is difficult for you and your spouse, the main thing is to just start. It might be awkward at first, but you will be blessed.

We also started listing some barriers to intimacy. We'll continue with identifying these next week.

There were lots of great comments. I really appreciate everyone sharing! If you happen to read this, be sure to share anything of significance you gained from class or share other thoughts you have about praying together or what you see as being the most significant barriers to intimacy. Have a blessed week praying together!

Marriage 101 -- Lesson 2--Committed to God's Design

Why did God design marriage the way he did? That was our opening question Sunday.

As I planned to use that question, I knew it would stimulate discussion to clarify what was "God's design." When I think of "God's Design", my mind immediately can picture my mom using a phrase I heard her use many times, "One man; one woman." I can see her holding up her index finger on each hand for visual reinforcement. It's a simple expression, but I belive it captures probably the most critical feature of God's design--we are to be committed to our spouse and faithful to them.

This design is illustrated throughout the Bible. I'm just going to mention some of the most significant passages.

• Genesis 2:21-24--God didn't originally put us with multiple spouses
• Exodus 20:14--Thou shalt not commit adultery
• Hosea
• Ezekial 16--Analogy of God's faithfulness to an adulterous nation of Israel
• Malachi 2:13-16
• Matthew 19:1-9--Jesus comments on marriage
• Ephesians 5:21-33

I don't believe you can read these and not see that God's design is for us to be committed to our spouse. So the question remains, "Why was this God's design?"

We surfaced 2 reasons in class....

1. The marriage relationship allows us to learn so much about what God wants from our relationship with him. Scripture again is filled with analogies how the relationship of God to man is similar to husband and wife.
2. Marriage is a spiritual relationship which fosters accountability to another Christian. Within this design we get to know someone very well by spending time with them. We have the opportunity to get to know our spouse's weaknesses....rudeness, lack of faith, worry, pride, unholy talk--take your pick. By creating a setting for time together and increased accountability, God has given us our best earthly support for becoming the person he wants us to be.

In follow up to point #2 above, I shared my opinion that the best way to build a spiritual relationship with our partner is to PRAY TOGETHER. We'll come back to that next week, but don't wait till them. Spend some time this week praying with your spouse. I'm not talking about a meal time blessing, or a time of prayer with your kids as they go to bed. I'm talking about opening your heart to God and letting your spouse listen in and praying FOR God's blessings for your spouse as well. Every time Kerrie and I have dedicated ourselves to this, we have been blessed.

As we will try to do each week, we'll try to incorporate some discussion on advice we've heard and valued. I shared a piece that I heard when Kerrie and I were engaged and in a class for engaged couples at a large college church. Our minister, who was a guest speaker asked the class, "How do you know you picked the right mate?" You could have heard a pin drop. It's a sobbering if not scary question to engaged couples. His thoughts were basically...."You've picked the right person if they love God more than they love you." It was a powerful way of emphasizing to us that being committed to God's design was more important than applying our great wisdom in selecting just the right person.

Be thinking about the concept of "intimacy." In addition to prayer, we'll be discussing it a good bit this Sunday. Thanks to all who were there Sunday. We missed you if you weren't. Have a blessed week.

Marriage 101 -- Lesson 1

We opened class with a couple of questions. 1) How many of you have either gone through or have had a close friend or relative go through a divorce or separation? I think every one's hand was up. Question #2--How many of you would consider yourselves to be an expert on marriage? No one's had went up although one wise husband indicated that his wife was. What I hoped to gain by asking these questions was an understanding that we all can benefit from a class on marriage whether we are single and hoping to be married, married, or just at a point where we may be able to minister to help someone make the most of marriage. Divorcees are welcome! I realize discussion may be painful at times, but we can all benefit.

I shared stories of a number of couples I have known at a previous congregation (no names-just true stories) of couples who either went through some really trying times or had their marriages end in divorce. All of these were active members in the church I was attending, and I was surprised when I heard about the problems in each instance. Again, I hoped to emphasize the relevance of our topic and also let people know that their marriage is not guaranteed.

We discussed how our temptations regarding being faithful to our spouses are not identical to our grandparents temptations. While I don't think I made the connection in class, I brought this issue up because I wanted to remind us all that our marriages or under constant attack from Satan; this truth merits us doing everything we can to avoid pitfalls.

I also introduced a couple of foundational points for our series:

• Marriage should be a spiritual relationship
• God's desire is that we be committed to our spouses.
  

One other point that kept surfacing throughout the class was so many times the affected spouse as well as other individuals (christian friends or counselors) are caught totally off guard. Often when we hear of a pending divorce, it seems that the decision has already been made in one party's mind. There are a number of reasons for this--some legitimate, some used by Satan. Regardless of the reasons, this dynamic makes it all the more important to be proactive in building stronger marriages.

We will pick up there next week!