We opened class with a couple of questions. 1) How many of you have either gone through or have had a close friend or relative go through a divorce or separation? I think every one's hand was up. Question #2--How many of you would consider yourselves to be an expert on marriage? No one's had went up although one wise husband indicated that his wife was. What I hoped to gain by asking these questions was an understanding that we all can benefit from a class on marriage whether we are single and hoping to be married, married, or just at a point where we may be able to minister to help someone make the most of marriage. Divorcees are welcome! I realize discussion may be painful at times, but we can all benefit.
I shared stories of a number of couples I have known at a previous congregation (no names-just true stories) of couples who either went through some really trying times or had their marriages end in divorce. All of these were active members in the church I was attending, and I was surprised when I heard about the problems in each instance. Again, I hoped to emphasize the relevance of our topic and also let people know that their marriage is not guaranteed.
We discussed how our temptations regarding being faithful to our spouses are not identical to our grandparents temptations. While I don't think I made the connection in class, I brought this issue up because I wanted to remind us all that our marriages or under constant attack from Satan; this truth merits us doing everything we can to avoid pitfalls.
I also introduced a couple of foundational points for our series:
- Marriage should be a spiritual relationship
- God's desire is that we be committed to our spouses.
One other point that kept surfacing throughout the class was so many times the affected spouse as well as other individuals (christian friends or counselors) are caught totally off guard. Often when we hear of a pending divorce, it seems that the decision has already been made in one party's mind. There are a number of reasons for this--some legitimate, some used by Satan. Regardless of the reasons, this dynamic makes it all the more important to be proactive in building stronger marriages.
We will pick up there next week!
11 comments:
What a great use of this kind of forum. I appreciate your letting God use your talents so powerfully. I am tired of our REACTIVE approach to marriage problems as opposed to a PROACTIVE approach. Maybe this is a good start. Thank you for your work!!
jd
#1, I think you summed up my frustration. We have been just sitting around waiting for who's next. It is time for us to move forward with purpose. I think we are yet to realize how strengthening each other and each other's marriage will make us all stronger. Let's stay on the offensive. Something about about a cord and 2 or 3 gathering comes to mind. Wow, Jesus was/is Right!
#2 (JS)
It IS frustrating! We have the ability and the forum of the church family to be on the offensive in regards to marriage problems. However just as frustrating as the notion is that people stick their heads in the sand and refuse to face their own marriage problems is the notion that us as leader choose to sick our heads in the sand and refuse to face marriage difficulties within the flock--- like if we don't acknowledge them they won't come to pass. The time for defense only should be over and the mantra should be for us to face the problem and take an offensive approach. I think the class is a start--- but we can offer soooo much more.
Joe & Joe:
Thanks to both of you for the comments. If you (or others) have ideas as to what may be subsequent steps, please share those. If strategy one is the Sunday morning class, and Strategy 2 is a blog sight. Strategy #3 is a series we have planned for the Wednesday night class beginning in March. It will likely be based on a book by Tommy Nelson, "What Solomon Says About Love, Sex, and Intimacy--The Book of Romance" which is based on Song of Solomon--but again I think we are still just touching the "hem of the garment." Ideas for Strategy #4.....??????
I don't have a solution and I did not mean to say that what YOU were doing was insufficient. I like what you have started and I hope that we can build from that foundation. Likely, success would come from a class, meeting, or retreat that would empower us to share our problems with our fellow members and closest friends and be emboldened to get help when it is needed. For far too long, we have fostered the kind of environment that keeps us closed-mouthed about our own problems and failures. Where else but to the church can we go for help? Where better is there to initially seek advice and counsel in regards to building better marriages?
No offense was taken to your comments. I agree, I believe we can do a lot more. I want to hear others ideas. We will be facilitating activities in a variety of formats for classes, but not everyone is willing or able to attend. I like the idea of the retreat as well.
I also agree with the point you are making with your questions. We are going to be discussing that. Your questions make me think of the question, "What are the barriers to using the church for help, advice, and counsel?" We may need to eliminate some barriers. To do that we need to identify what those barriers are.
We're doing it! God is using us (this class, this blog, this group...) to change the tide. Think about the moon, the reflection of the sun, controls the ocean tides. And here we are men, the reflection of the SON, affecting the tides of our families and generations to come. This has the makings for being something great! Consider this, Joe and Tommy; you have both encouraged me (making me a better husband, dad, and man). Let’s keep it going.
You know in answer to Tommy's question of barriers I'm thinking about 2 huge barriers.
Pride/Shame: We just don't want anyone to know we need help. It's ok if someone who is not a leader comes forward either privately or in public worship as no one thinks a thing about it. But how shameful(I'm being sarcastic here) it is that someone in authority with leadership or respect would actually be struggling. I think we have this view of leadership ie deacons, ministers, elders, etc. that they have it all together and are therefore leading because they are somehow more pure than the rest of us. The most respected older leaders were the first to leave the group that brought the woman caught in adultry before Jesus. I've always assumed that he started listing sins in the sand and they being mature realized they were just as guilty as her.
What if leadership took up the challenge of admiting areas that needed improvement in their own lives (don't ask me to be the first!)? We are either too prideful, or too ashamed to ask for help. We fear damaging ours or our spouses reputation because if we air our own troubles then we are implicating our spouse aren't we? So one or both parties keep quiet and suffer silently.
Somehow we have to break through this image or front that we put up, at least to a few trusted individuals. That then brings up the other huge barrier that is a very ligitimate one is that of...
Trust: Who do you trust? If you open up honestly to an individual/leader/friend privately about struggles in your marriage how can that information be guaranteed confidential? Unfortunately people don't always keep confidences. We don't trust therefore we don't confess.
Any ideas about these two barriers?
Joe:
It is encouraging to know your thoughts. I'm thankful that comments have already made a difference. It is interesting that sometimes just having a conversation, devotional, or class can re-energize our committments and renew our willingness to cultivate and marriages rather than just looking for a harvest all the time--waiting and seeing if we can get something of benefit.
That is why I think one good piece of advice is to periodically participate in some marriage building activity, class, seminar etc. It just has a way of helping couples get their priorities back in order.
Kerrie:
You took two things off the list I'm developing for class Sunday...I think probably the two key barriers. Now the big challenge is how to address those barriers.
Tommy
If we are to "hold marriage in honor among all", as the Hebrews were instructed to do in Heb.13:4 then "among all" is all of us together. That sounds like accountablility to one another for the way we nurture and keep our marriages strong in the Lord.
TDR
Thanks for commenting Tanya. The word "all" doesn't allow for exceptions. The NIV says, "Marriage should be honored by all." Its an admonition that can have various meanings, a principle that can be applied in many ways.
It brings to mind an initiative in Oregon that's called Marriage Savers. (www.marriagesavers.com) It is a community wide effort involving various churches/denominiations. A couple whose marriage was "in danger" is the driving force behind the coalition. I mention them because I think it is important for all to know that there is hope for endangered marriages. Unfortunately, I think sometimes we've quenched the ability to be the church God has called us to be because again we lack the trust to share the testimonies of the difficult times God has brought us through.
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